What Spurs You On?

After having messed up with food, I was thinking the other day about what spurs me on to keep fighting. And honestly, there's a lot that spurs me on, but one thing, in particular, helps me keep fighting … and that's the good days. 

I know it's really cliché and even more cliché as I write it out. But it's true. I want to share a section of my book with you that will help describe what I want to talk about today.

"When I would fall back into old habits, it would be like putting on an old pair of glasses that distorted every area of life. Now I could start seeing the contrast of what life was like without my eating disorder. The more I kept practicing letting go of the control of food, the more life I got in return. So when I'd go back to food, I could see how completely distorted life had been while I lived with my eating disorders. It helped me fight back, get out of the rut of binging and depression, and get back up onto the level ground I was learning to live on." 

When I was coming out of my bulimia, the more I could see life without the dark glasses of my eating disorder and the more I experienced that freedom and life as it should be … the more I wanted to keep fighting for that to be my reality. 

Now, I am living in that reality! Sure, I still mess up, but my life is now the reality I was fighting for. 

But you see, I have been struggling with something God has chosen to take me through. It has been hard for me to walk this path and it has stretched me to keep my eyes on Him, look to Him, trust Him and obey Him. And because I'm human and mess up, the stress of this current path God has decided to take me on got to me. I messed up and went to food to help cope with the stress of this current path. 

Now, that action used to be my natural reaction whenever anything was stressful in life. That was how I lived with my bulimia daily. If life was at all stressful, which it was, then I went to food to drown out the pain. I lived that way for years. 

Praise the Lord I don't do it that much anymore. And when I do, my reactions to food are much smaller than they used to be. Nonetheless, the other day I messed up and went to food to help relieve the stress and pain of this new path I have been struggling with. 

Going to food did absolutely nothing for me. In the heat of the moment, it provided comfort and numbness to dull the pain. But not for long. The numbness quickly wore off and left me angry, anxious, and out of control. I was so mad at myself for messing up. I knew that the moment of comfort wouldn't last. 

I have been living in so much freedom and peace lately and my relationship with the Lord has become so much sweeter and stronger. When I went to food, I realized my anxiety heightened; I was more stressed, things made me angrier, and I felt more short-tempered. Everything started getting worse. 

Choosing to go to food to help relieve my stress made everything worse. What's even more maddening is that I knew all of that. But the stress got to me and I messed up. It's ok, though, you can learn from your mistakes and I did! It also gave me a clear picture of my life when I lived in an ED 24/7. 

Satan clouds our vision and he makes us think that it's the complete opposite. He makes us believe that going to food helps us get by in life. That eating our sorrows away will help comfort, heal, and help us. But it's not true. 

But if you don't have the evidence of it being a false reality, it is really very difficult to see that you're living a lie. Satan is very deceptive, and the only way to get out of that is by stepping out in faith, letting go and choosing to do it God's way. 

If I hadn't stepped out in faith on the road to recovery, I wouldn't be able to see it so clearly now. My life is filled with so much more peace and freedom. I saw it so clearly that when I messed up and chose to go to food, I became more anxious, angrier and life felt more out of control. But I would have never been able to see that if I had not stepped out in faith on the road to recovery. 

So I was thinking about what spurs me to get back on track … and it's the good days!! I quickly saw where I had gone wrong. I confessed my sins and started fighting again and choosing to trust Him no matter the outcome of what He decides with what He is taking me through currently. 

I'm not perfect, and I mess up. But here's the beauty of recovery. When I was still in my eating disorder, it took baby steps to trust the Lord and not go to food daily. The difference from when I was stuck in an ED to now is huge. 

It has taken years to fight through day-to-day battles of not going to food and choosing to trust the Lord instead. But because I have fought so many days/years and have built some muscles over time, when I mess up now, I have so many more good days to look back on and help me remember why it's worth fighting and why it's so worth it trusting God. 

I feel like when someone is new in recovery, they have to step out in faith on the road to recovery. That first step, they can't see anything. They are stepping away from a life that promises help and a life that helps them cope with everything. They have to trust that life is better without their coping mechanism with having no proof whatsoever … and let me tell you … that is HARD!! Anyone who has gone through recovery will tell you that. 

But the more you step out in faith and keep walking forward, you will be able to see clearly just how miserable your life was. You'll be able to see that you are actually walking away from your prison and into freedom. You'll be able to look back and see the beautiful bridge you have been walking. And because you have so many steps taken already on the path to recovery, it makes it easier and easier to keep walking that path. 

So my good days are what spur me on. They help me pick myself up after messing up. It was a quick slip, but honestly, living in the peace, joy, and comfort because of choosing to do it God's way is so worth it. His way breeds peace and my way breeds anxiety and turmoil. Because I now have years of evidence, it is easy for me to see that and it has made it easier for me to get back on track. But because I am human and sinful at that, I know I will forget what I just wrote and mess up. But I will then just repeat and fight yet again for my good days and do it God's way.

What spurs you on? What helps you get back on track after messing up? What is it that helps you choose to keep fighting? Have you stepped out in faith on the road to your recovery? I am so curious and would love to hear from you!! So email me if you want and share with me what spurs you on! 

~ Natalie