Your Soul Has Value

"Your name is of value because of the name of the One who formed you, His signature is on your soul." - Ravi Zacharias

I have loved this quote from the moment I read it. I found it a couple of years ago, but it wasn't until this year that it changed my life. I don't say that lightly, either. 

So before I go into this, let me backup. I always like to let people know, if they're new to my blog, and this happens to be the first one you've ever read, that even though I have recovered from my eating disorders … I still struggle. If you want to understand what I mean by that, this blog here will help flesh out what I'm talking about! 

Just because I have recovered from my eating disorders doesn't mean I don't ever struggle with different things in life ... including some struggles with food and body image. Having an eating disorder is different from having recovered from one and having some struggles because you're human. I like to let people know that it's ok to struggle because when I was in the middle of fighting my eating disorder, I kept searching for a perfect recovery where I'd never struggle with food or body image ever again. 

I believe in everlasting recovery, which I go into in this blog here. I encourage you to read this blog to really understand what I mean by that. Understanding this new way to view recovery is truly life-changing. And it takes a lot of stress and striving away from your life when you understand this view on recovery. 

Ok, getting back to the original topic of this blog. I want to talk about self-worth and body image. Because, like most people out there, I still struggle with bad body image and self-hatred. Sometimes, it is worse than others, and sometimes not so bad. But it can still be an inward fight for me. 

Having gone through eating disorders, my view of myself has never been great. My body image and self-worth have always been extremely low, which has been a battle for me for years. I have had an intense fight with trying to love myself over the past years … no, over the course of my life. I have never been good enough in my eyes. Never. 

I have always hated how I looked and have had the hardest time accepting who God made me to be. There have been other areas in which God has helped me accept myself. He has helped me accept my life as a musician. He has helped me accept that I am the second of four girls and that I don't need to compare or be the best amongst the four of us. And for someone who is quite competitive … that was a huge thing I learned to accept! 

Over the years, I have fought hard to try to accept myself. It has been a challenging fight, and I have fought hard to accept who I am. But when it comes to my body image and worth and love for myself … it has been an uphill battle. I'd fight for it, but then I'd get tired and go back to hating myself. So, in the end, I would always come back around to the fact that I truly hate myself and that I am and will never be good enough in my eyes. 

That realization for me, knowing that I, Natalie Hall, cannot accept that I, Natalie Hall, am never good enough for Natalie. That realization has weighed me down and has been such a burden in my life. I have lived with the fact that no matter how hard I try to make myself look good, whether it's hair, makeup, clothes or personality … no matter what it is, who I am will never be enough. I couldn't find any way to make myself acceptable in my eyes. And If I can't see any value in myself … then, of course, nobody else could. Nor would it matter even if somebody did because I wouldn't believe them. 

For as long as I can remember, if my family would give me a compliment, or a friend or anyone for that matter … if anyone would compliment me, in my head, I "knew" they were telling lies. I never believed anyone. It was like my brain had a filing system, and whenever anyone said something nice to me or about me … it would go straight to the file labeled "Lies." 

That is how my brain has been for me my whole life. I knew that until I could see my value and worth … the filing system would stay that way my entire life. I knew the problem was within my brain. But I didn't know how to fix it … but God did.

When we were building this website back in September, we needed a quote for one of the pages of my website, and I randomly thought of that Ravi Zacharias quote. I wanted it to be on this website because I loved it so much. 

One day last year in September, it was like God took that quote and opened my eyes with it … or, more likely, hit me over the head with it. As I was reading that quote, I realized it doesn't matter what Natalie thinks of Natalie. I, Natalie, may always have problems accepting Natalie, but that will never change my worth. My worth and value have always been enough because of Jesus Christ. Because He formed me, loves me, knows me, died for me … that is why I have infinite worth. 

As a faulty human being, my view of myself can constantly be changing … so that's why, thank the Lord, my view of myself doesn't affect, take away or touch my worth. I am of value and worth because of the One who formed me. What a miraculously beautiful thing! I already had the worth, value, and love I was desperately trying to find and so desperately starving for. 

So if this applies to me … that means it also applies to you! No matter what you think of yourself, no matter what you have done, no matter what … you are worthy and loved because of Jesus Christ. It is because of Him and His love for us that not only are we saved if we believe in Him, but we are of infinite worth and value to God because He sees us as perfect! 

I'm telling you, my life has been so different since understanding this. Of course, it has been a fight the past couple of months because I have had to wrestle against a mindset I have had my entire life. But I have fought to implement the Truth that the Lord showed me through this quote. And because of that, it has changed every aspect of my life. 

It has changed my relationship with the Lord, how I am to my family, how I am on stage, how I perform, how I view myself and others around me and so much more. I didn't realize just how much my self-hatred towards myself had affected and permeated every aspect of my life. It affected everything! 

As I said, I am still a baby in this new way of viewing myself, so I still struggle, but this way of living is worth fighting for. Having the Lord open my eyes to see and understand my worth has made me want to keep fighting for this Truth when I am tempted to wallow in self-hatred. 

It doesn't matter how others see me; it doesn't matter how my family sees me; it doesn't matter what day I'm having; it doesn't matter if I'm struggling with self-hatred; it doesn't matter how I look in pictures ... it just doesn't matter. Because I am worthy; I am enough; I am of infinite value because of the One who formed me. His signature is on my soul, which is why I am enough. 

I promise you, when you can see it for yourself, it will change your life. But I can't make you see your worth. But just as sure as the sky is blue is as certain as the fact that you are enough and worthy and of infinite value. But just like no one could tell me that (my mom could've said that to me for years to come), but until I saw it … I couldn't believe it. 

It will change your life when you believe, accept and see for yourself that you are enough right this second. And the best part about all this is that you don't have to do anything. You don't have to change yourself or do anything … you simply are enough. It's a fact. And it's true. 

So rest assured today that you are enough, and even if you can't see it today … one day you will. Keep fighting to see it, and keep fighting to accept it because once you do, you'll want to tell the whole world about it! Don't give up, and simply rest that even though you may not see it now, it doesn't change the fact that you are of infinite value because of the One who formed you. 

~ Natalie