Why Recover?

Why should I recover? Is it worth it? I am coping fine and getting along with my addiction/disorder. Why would I give up this way of living? Is recovery worth it? I will be nothing without it; who in their right mind would choose to recover? I see people who chose to recover but now look totally different after recovery … so is it really worth it?

I have seen a lot of interesting social media posts since I started my Everlasting Recovery social media pages. I came across this girl who was ranting about the difficulties of recovery. She was going on about the different hardships and agony of recovery. She had some very valid points. After reading her post, I put myself in this girl's shoes and looked at her road to recovery through her eyes. As I stood in that girl's shoes, I found myself questioning, is recovery worth it?

Of course, it is an easy question for me to answer from where I stand now. I don't have to think twice about it. But when I put myself in that girl's shoes, it took me back to before I started my road to recovery and I remember everything that that girl was ranting about all too well.

So it made me ponder and think about what I would tell that girl if she ranted to me and asked me if recovery was worth it.

I have days where I feel utterly hopeless. I have days where I wish so much that I could have the body I used to have. Sometimes I feel like I get a whiff of the addiction part of the anorexia, making me long for all my old habits, mindset and body. That is the power of the disorder/sickness. And it is the power the prince of the air has in this world. He makes you remember the "good" of the sickness and forget the bad. 

So why recover? Because it's days like my sister's birthday the other week, that was the most laid-back and joyous celebration I have ever been able to live through. Compared to the years with my ED filled with anger, jealousy and stress. 

It's moments like this morning, putting on my shoes, getting ready for my walk, remembering how stressed I used to be when we would exercise because what if my sisters burned more calories than me? But now, being able to go on walks with zero jealousy and zero stress. 

It's moments when I watch my sister go to the mailbox and I'm not filled with a speck of jealousy because she is walking to the mailbox "burning calories." 

It's moments when you are on stage realizing how blessed I am to be able to do music with my sisters instead of being angry at the fact that I have to do music with my sisters. I couldn't be more thankful to be able to be a musician and yet my disorder made me hate my job. 

It's moments like when my sisters and I want to go on a stroll and I can actually walk slowly and enjoy the surrounding company and nature … and truly enjoy it. 

It's moments like that … that is why recovery is worth it. Because now I am actually living and experiencing life as it should be. I just didn't know what I was missing before I chose to recover. 

The hard thing is that I didn't get to enjoy those moments for years. I started recovery in 2015 and didn't experience some of those moments for years. It took at least five years. Then it changed and before I knew it, I could watch my sisters go on walks and I didn't have to think twice about it. Or I could make a cake and not have any binging thoughts or actions. 

After years of endless fighting, I started to be able to appreciate the payoff and oh my, is it worth it! When you finally can see that you are living in peace, aren't stressed about things to come and are joyful and free … that is when you can finally see that recovery is worth it. 

My mom would tell me that outside of my eating disorder was a vast field with room to mess up and fall, but more than that, there was room to live and run! She told me that for years, but I couldn't experience it until I chose to recover. And then I couldn't experience it until I kept fighting and kept fighting and kept fighting. 

If you are thinking about starting your path to recovery, you must be determined. I know every recovery is different and it's longer or shorter depending on who you are and what you have been through. Every recovery is different. But every recovery requires determination, tenacity, humility, strength and last but not least, God. 

I look back on my journey and the only way I got to where I am today is because of God's saving grace and power to break the chains that imprisoned me. Without Him, you might as well not even try. Trust me; you will just find yourself in another addiction/disorder, even though you may not know it. And at the same time, I also had to have those other qualities to keep fighting and not quit. 

That is what I would tell that girl. I would tell her to keep fighting and be determined to find out just how good it feels to run in that field. Once you experience it, you will never want to return to the dark, damp, depressing prison you once lived in. It takes daily fighting, but living life these past couple of years has gotten better and sweeter without my disorder/addiction. I wouldn't trade my life now for anything. It's worth it. Recovery is worth it. But I can't convince you. That is where you need to find it out for yourself and experience it for yourself. But you can take my word for it … and I strongly advise that you fight for it and choose recovery. 

~ Natalie