What Really Lies Behind Anorexia (pt 1)
This is the first blog I have written in over a year and it's the first "new" blog that will go on my brand-new website! I am very excited to have this website where I can share all my stories, struggles, and victories with you! This topic is so important to me that I originally had this written all as one blog post, but it was so long that even I found it overwhelming to read. So I am going to break this up into two parts. I'll be posting Part 2 in the next week or so.
I have wanted to write about this for some time now "What Really Lies Behind Anorexia" because a while back, I had to go through some pictures to find some pictures of me when I was anorexic. I don't have many … but I really don't like the few I have. It's hard to look at and see how sick I was. Just looking at the pictures flooded my mind with memories and thoughts I used to have and the old, sick things I used to think and do.
But it got me thinking. It was surprising how many twisted memories came back to me as I looked at myself in these pictures. It made me remember things I had to be willing to let go of in order to recover. And some of these things may surprise you. I'm going to be bluntly honest; anorexia is coated and covered in pride. But that isn't talked about a lot of times which is why I wanted to write about what truly lies behind anorexia. And that is pride.
I know anorexia is a mental disorder, I'm not saying it isn't. But I want to call out the twisted pride that is wrapped up in this eating disorder. It's ugly, it's wicked and it's real. A lot of times, we hear the things that are easy to hear. We get the pat on the back, the concern, and the attention, but today I want to call out the pride and twisted sickness caught up in this disorder. I want to show you by talking about a couple of things that were really hard for me to give up in order to recover. As you read through them, I am hoping that it will help point out what lies behind anorexia in order to help you fight against it ... if you are someone who is struggling. It is not the easiest or most pleasant thing to read about, but it is vital to know what lies behind anorexia in order to recover.
Quick disclaimer. I state this in almost every blog, but this is one side of the eating disorder. There are so many layers of hurt, confusion, sin and lies that drive eating disorders, so this is only one aspect. So if you are someone struggling today, just know that this is one aspect of why you struggle with an ED. Of course, there are other things that we go through, have said to us, or suffer through that fuel our ED. But like one of my favorite Therapists' would say so much at the treatment center, "You never wake up one morning and decide to have an ED, but you have a choice to get out of this ED." And that's why I am talking about these difficult issues today. To help just with one layer, one side of whatever may drive your ED. I can only write from my own experiences, so I hope this helps you in some way. Cause I have found that the roots of not only EDs but addictions of any kind are pretty much the same. So, I hope calling out the twisted pride in my life may help you today in your own life, whatever it is you may struggle with.
Let's start with something that sounds simple … but my mercy … it was hard. I remember having to get used to filling out my clothes. I hated people being able to see me. I loved baggy clothes; I loved them draping off of me. It was a sign of success; I felt safe. I remember when I started gaining weight, my shorts became tighter and I was embarrassed to go out in public in tight shorts because that meant people could "see" my body … and I hated that. And I hated it because I "failed" because my clothes weren't sagging anymore.
It may not look like pride, but if you look real deep into the matter, you will find it. It is a reverse pride. I hated who I was and wanted to hide, but even in wanting to hide ... I wanted to be seen. I wanted someone to "see" me and pity me for the self-hatred I had for myself, which is a reverse pride.
I liked rubbing over my bones. I would lay in bed and rub over my hip bones, which was a sign of success. I never thought I had lost enough weight cause there were other girls who showed more bone and who were thinner than I was. But, at least, I could feel my bones. All throughout my battle with anorexia, I would have moments that I describe as moments of "waking up," which meant I would realize how sick this all was.
For example, sometimes I would "wake up" and rub over my hip bones and realize how just scary and severe this was. It wasn't the fact that I was rubbing over my bones that scared me the most, but it was the fact that I enjoyed rubbing over my bones. It scared me because I knew it was against reality; it was sick and twisted … and yet when I would fall back under anorexia's spell, there was nothing more that I enjoyed than making sure my hip bones were still jutting out.
Just those two topics I wrote about were so very hard for me to let go of. Those struggles were intertwined with a lot of pride. It was hidden pride … but it was there. I started with two physical struggles/examples. In Part 2, I will give two more examples that were even more hidden in my heart. The next two examples will show you more of the internal struggle and I will wrap it up by sharing with you how to fight against it.
Please be sure to check out next week's blog because I want to make sure you are able to fight against whatever it is you are struggling with. In next week's blog, I will share with you how to fight and just how vital it is to fight. It may feel uncomfortable for you to read, but to win against such a deadly disorder, we have to be willing to see the reality of what we are fighting against and so much of it is actually sin. So please be sure to check that out next week if you are someone who is struggling with whatever it is you struggle with. Until then, I hope you have a wonderful week!
~ Natalie