What Really Lies Behind Anorexia (pt 2)

Well, welcome back for Part 2! I hope you all are doing well! If you happened to miss last week's blog, be sure to check "What Really Lies Behind Anorexia: Part 1" out first! It will help you understand this next one better! Last week I promised two more examples of things that were hard for me to let go of and two examples that share the hidden pride that lies behind anorexia. So let's jump right in with this first one.

I loved it when people would tell my parents they were concerned for me. I loved the attention I got and the concern. It was a way I got attention and I loved it. Having to give that up is more challenging than one might imagine. It took me a long time to deal with the fact that I wouldn't get that attention anymore. Talk about reverse pride! My identity was being the thin, "sick" girl … that's who I was! So letting go of that was excruciating. 

But let me tell you a little secret … when you let go, recover and accept who you are … you will find attention isn't what you seek anymore! You won't need it because you know who you are. When you can be confident and healthy and love yourself for the new, healthy person that you are … you'll find it's better than all the concern and twisted attention. And that's a promise. But you will only find that if you let go of all of the ED. It doesn't work if you cling to bits and pieces because that desire will be there and will only grow and consume you once again.

The last one I'll go into today is probably one of the biggest drives for people who struggle with anorexia … control. If you are someone who struggles with anorexia, then I bet right now, after reading that sentence, your gut wrenched a little bit … even if you don't want to admit it. ;) Control is a HUGE factor as to why we go to food. For me, it was because I was in a career I didn't want to be in (at the time) and because things happened in my life that were out of control and hurt me deeply. So I went to food for control. Giving up that control and finally being able to let go of control is like turning off the engine that drives anorexia.  

Control is one of the biggest forms of pride. We want to run our lives, control our circumstances and do what we want. But obviously, we can't control any of those things no matter how hard we try. But our sin and our pride convince us otherwise, so we do our best to control what is around us. And food is such an easy outlet to control when all around us is out of control because, after all ... we have to eat at least three times a day.

We don't hear much about the pride that hides behind anorexia in today's world, which is why I wanted to write about this.

Let me ask you something ... do you want to recover? Think about it for a minute. Everything I just wrote about, are you willing to let go of those things? I'll be honest with you; I didn't want to. Why do you think I struggled with anorexia for so long? Why do you think I relapsed? I didn't want to let go of these twisted thoughts and feelings. Looking back, they were very messed up and untrue … but when you are in it, they couldn't be more true and comforting to me. 

When I was anorexic, I read occasional books and blogs about recovering from eating disorders. I hated the sections that talked about things like letting go of control, accepting who you are, etc. ... because, at the time, I did NOT want to let go of my eating disorder. I needed my ED, I needed the validation from being the thinnest, and I needed all the things my ED promised. But in my heart, I knew I had to recover because if I didn't, I knew I would end up living a life consumed with myself and my ED. Cause when you have an ED, it is you and your ED. No one else is allowed in. And I knew if I didn't recover, I would ultimately die from this. I knew it. 

So I knew I had to let go of these things, but I didn't want to ... and let me tell you, that feeling of being torn in two and so confused is the worst feeling in the world. I remember it like it was yesterday and I get sick thinking about it. I knew I had to let go, yet couldn't ... and yet I had to. It made me feel so miserable and would make my brain go mad, going back and forth in my head, knowing I had to let go yet, ultimately ... didn't want to. 

Here's the most crucial part of this blog. You can't let go of something and not have anything else ready to go to when you let go. As humans, we will just find something else to fill its place and something else to hold onto. You must have something else or someone else to hold onto once you let go of your ED or addiction. But! If you hold onto anything other than Jesus Christ … sooner or later, you will be right back to where you started. Nothing else you go to, hold onto, or cling to will satisfy you, fill you up or comfort you unless it is Jesus Christ. He is the only One we should cling to. Nothing else is needed.

We think we need other things. I still struggle with clinging to other things besides Him because I am frail, human, and imperfect. But I must remember that nothing else will satisfy me … and I mean truly satisfy me unless it is in Christ alone. So if you want to let go and don't want Jesus Christ to cling to, I warn you that you will never be fully satisfied, fully resting, fully joyful and fully free unless you cling to Him. In Christ alone. 

So to wrap up, pride is a key player in anorexia and any disorder for that matter. It is hidden and not talked about a lot today. But as I said earlier, we must identify what lies behind our sickness and disorder so that we can fight against it. It's like a doctor figuring out your symptoms to diagnose your problem so you can fight against and heal from your sickness. 

I wish this weren't such a harsh blog, but I had to be honest and write about this because this is such a critical point in recovery if you want to recover. And more than anything, if you are someone who is struggling ... I want you to recover! That's why I will write about the raw, ugly battles we must go through to recover.

So I leave you with this … if you are where I was in any way ... I understand. You don't need to worry or feel like it's too late or that there's no hope. I was where you were ... and you can recover! Because if I can. ... then you can!! But one last question, and be honest with yourself: do you really want to recover? If so, you must let go, give up the dark, twisted lies and the hidden pride of anorexia, and cling to the One who frees, saves, and heals.

~ Natalie