Being a Musician (pt 3)

Writing this series on my journey of becoming a musician has been really emotional for me. I think having just released our album and at the same time writing about why I didn't want to be a musician has been just crazy timing, which only God could do. It has just blown my mind looking back at my life seeing what I tried so hard to run from and seeing how the acceptance of being a musician was such a pivotal part in the recovery of my eating disorders. Creating this latest album was also healing and came during the year I found my recovery. God brought the recovery of my eating disorders and the acceptance of being a musician all together in a way only He could do. And I'm so thankful He did because there is nothing I'd rather be than a musician with my three sisters! So with that being said, here is Part 3 of Being a Musician. 

Oh, and if you missed the past two blog posts you are welcome to click here for part one and herefor part two!

So it all started a week before we went to Branson, Missouri for a concert we had in January of 2020. I had been very down since we had gotten back from our overseas trip in December of 2019 so I started year 2020 very depressed. I had no drive or care for starting a new year. I was worn our from my bulimia, I was at my highest weight and my lowest point in life. I knew something had to change but I didn't know what. (You can read more about this whole chapter of my life in my book Nothing to Lose but Everything to Gain ... which is out now! ;))

One day I was having my devotions and I read Matthew 6:33 "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

That verse really stuck out to me. I knew I was at my lowest point in life and I had nothing more to live for. I had tried everything and I was completely done with life ... so the sound of having "all these things added to you" sounded really nice ... and was worth a try. But that meant "seeking first the kingdom of God". I didn't even know what that really looked like, but I wanted to try it. So I thought I would put God to the test for one week. I would eat the way God wanted me to, I would do this concert we had on Saturday in Branson as my best and I would work on surrendering and being obedient to the Lord ... really well ... so that I could see the results to my efforts.

The long and short of it is this ... it was the worst week of my life. We got to Branson and the day of the show, the four of us got in the biggest argument over clothes. No, this doesn't happen much but guys, we’re human and arguments do happen. Just like it did this day. Well half of us were talking to dad and the other half of us were talking to mom to work through things. It got worked out, but I started talking to Mom near the stage because we were getting ready for a sound check. Some reason, out of the blue, maybe the argument had stirred something in my heart ... I don’t know ... but I started spilling my guts to mom. Telling her things I had shoved down deep, telling her how low I was in life ... now guys ... you DON’T do this when you are about to go soundcheck. You’re supposed to keep some form of professionalism! But I couldn't help it and I just started spilling my guts to her! 

Up walked Valerie and she didn’t quite know what we were talking about or why I was teary eyed but she knew I was upset. She took my hand and held it out and took my finger starting with my thumb working all the way down to the pinky and said “God will never leave you”. Each finger for each word. I hadn’t thought of that for years but that was something I used to do as a child before I would go into Kindergarten. I was so scared and such an anxious child and I never liked leaving my mom so before I would get out of the car mom would take my hand and say, “God will never leave you”. But that always encouraged me and I had forgotten that. My child-like faith knew that God would never leave me, but for some reason in 2020, I had lost that faith. I had doubted that God was with me and loved me. I didn’t know it. My trust had been broken all the way back to Nashville and to when God had called me to be a musician. I had been so angry at Him for turning my life around and moving it in a way that I didn’t like that I broke my faith and trust in Him. But when I was five, and hating to leave mom ... I still knew it was ok because I had that child-like faith. 

What had hit me so hard in Branson, Missouri hit even harder when we got home. It wasn’t till a couple of days after we had been home, I was talking to mom again and telling her about my failed week of my test. I didn't do the test ... I had flunked that test with God. I had been angry, I ate however I wanted ... I just quit that test ... I couldn’t do it. But it wasn’t till I was telling her how I had failed that I realized ... yes I did fail! But! God never left me! Even in my attempt at trying to obey and please God, I failed but it didn’t change where He was, Who He was and how much He loved me. He was still with me. He had never left me nor forsaken me even though I had left Him. 

I just broke down and cried because I realized that no matter how hard I tried, my efforts were never good enough but they never had to be good enough because Jesus died for me so that He could be with me every step of the way! He then showed me that even before time was created, before the foundation of the world was laid ... He had created me to be a musician. A job I felt was a mistake for me, a job I felt so inadequate for, a job I hated, a job that was so opposite of my nature ... but it wasn’t a mistake to Him! He made me to be a musician which meant in the fiber of my being ... I was a musician. I was called to be a musician and I was created to be a musician! 

It hit me so hard I felt like I had been hit by a train. I had been angry at God for so long. I had controlled food since 2010 because of how out of control my life was because of having to do music. (Of course for many other reasons but this was a huge part in why I had anorexia and bulimia.) I had been so stressed and overwhelmed at the fact that I had to be a musician when I “knew” it had to have been a mistake because of how unnatural it felt for me to be one. When all along ... it wasn’t. It was not a mistake, it was not unplanned, it was exactly what God had wanted me to be from before I was even born. 

When I finally saw that, it was like I was finally able to embrace it. I stopped trying to live my life around food because it was the only thing I could control. I started gently getting back into shape so that I could be the musician that I was meant to be. 

Do I still get stage fright? Do I still feel unnatural at times? Do I still get stressed? Do I still get upset at certain things musicians have to do? Yes! I do because I’m human ... but in my core I know that I am called to be a musician and God has given me a job that He hasn’t abandoned me with. He is with me every step of the way. He is on every stage, every video, every photo shoot, every note I sing and play, He is with me and I don’ t have to be afraid, insecure or stressed! It has changed my life knowing this and has changed music and performing. 

I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone’s. I am so humbled and thankful that I get to do music with  my sisters! And you know what? God has opened up more doors for me in the past year to be able to work at my dad’s office. God has allowed time so that I can also do what I love with my dad and assist him! What a blessing ... I get the best of both worlds! 

My bulimia really started healing after God showed me what He did about being a musician. It was a pivotal part in my healing and truly the beginning of my Everlasting Recovery. 2020 was the year I recovered. As I stated in my Physical Recovery blog post, recovery is built on many different layers. But 2020 was my year and I felt the absence of my eating disorder. For the first time in my life, I knew my eating disorders were gone. Yes, I still struggle but it isn’t with an eating disorder anymore … if that makes sense. But a huge part of my recovery happened as soon as God showed me that I was created to be a musician.

So maybe you struggle with an eating disorder, or an addiction or a mental disorder because you are angry at your life. You’re angry at what has happened to you, or you are ultimately angry at God because of the way your life has turned out. That’s ok if you are ... as you have seen ... I was too. But just know this, God hasn’t messed up with your life. You aren’t a mistake and your life isn’t a mistake. You may be in a low point or a dark place but that doesn’t mean God has left you. I promise you, He hasn't. If He didn’t leave me there’s no way He would have left you. So be encouraged and know that God will never leave you.

~ Natalie