Being a Musician (pt 1)
Well how’s everyone doing? I'm sorry I missed last week! Last week was crazy busy!! We released our new album Here and the Other Side and my book Nothing to Lose but Everything to Gain and we finished recording our second album and we were on the Huckabee show...so it was an exciting week!!
Well you might be wondering why this blog is titled ‘Being A Musician’ even though this is a blog about eating disorders. Trust me, being a musician was such a major reason why I struggled with eating disorders.
So, can I be 100% honest with you? I mean, I always am 100% honest with you guys but I’m gonna be really honest...I’ve been dreading writing about this. You see, a lot of times when I write these blogs, I have to go through the emotions all over again. I feel the emotions of these tough issues and hard issues and it’s tiring sometimes to have to keep reliving these hard memories. I experienced this a lot when I wrote my book. Sometimes I’d be working on my book and I’d have to stop writing and take a break or go on a walk to clear my head because it was so hard to have to relive those memories. And sometimes I would just break down and just find myself crying because I could feel the pain I was writing about so vividly.
But! I am thankful I can write because it was really healing to myself to have to go through those memories and I know it can help others too! I know because I always appreciated others who would open up like this when I was sick...and even now! It is always encouraging to know you're not alone in struggles! You can relate to things so much through writing and I really hope you can with my blogs and my book. My whole purpose for writing is to bring hope to people's lives and to encourage people who may be in a really dark time in their lives.
I didn’t want to write about this not because I didn’t want you to know about it or because this topic is very hard...it’s more because this subject played such a major role in my eating disorder. It was also such a major part of what drove my eating disorder. It’s so much and it’s gonna be tough for me to put it adequately into words this whole journey of being a musician. But I will do my best! I divided this blog into three parts because of how big this side of my story is in relation to my recovery of my eating disorders. And with all that being said, I will stop procrastinating and get to the topic of this blog...Being A Musician.
I don’t know how many of you know this, but I did not want to be a musician. Nope...I did not want to be a musician. I had my life figured out from an early age. I was going to be my Dad’s dental assistant! When my dad moved his dental practice closer to our home, he really brought us in and let us work at his office! Jess worked up front and I would help assist my dad on the weekends with emergencies. The other two were too little at the time...but we would have found a job for them! Mom used to be a dental assistant to her dad, so her and I would both work together! I had the whole thing figured out! It would be a family run dental practice and we would all be together...which was when I was happiest!
But as you can see...that is not how my life turned out.
We always had music on in our home and we started taking instrument lessons at an early age. When I was in school, I loved preparing and practicing for my school plays! We attended several music camps growing up and I loved doing music! I loved performing! But in 2010, something started to change. Maybe it was because I was young and didn’t care what others thought of me, or because at the time there was no threat of us actually building a career in music...but whatever it was, I loved music and I loved performing! But in 2010, I hit puberty. I started really caring about what people thought of me and I started getting stage fright. And I mean I had stage fright. And I really have had it ever since.
In 2010 we were starting to do more things as a quartet. We started really practicing together and taking music more seriously. I was practicing harder on my violin and we were taking voice lessons and then we started taking group voice lessons and then group instrument lessons. We started going to these Wednesday night jam sessions and to be honest...I hated them. Because we always had to sing and I hated that! I hated singing for people! And when I say hate...I mean hate! I remember getting outraged if we would have to go and perform for little events... I was so angry at having to do this.
I specifically remember cutting grass one day with my dad and we were finishing up, and I was livid. I was so angry at having to do music and I remember him talking to me telling me that this was something I was going to have to take up with God. I was 13 or 14 years old and it was one of the first times I had to deal with something with God...without my parents. It was between me and God.
Looking back I really see it as the beginning of a long, unseen battle between me and God. I would about puke having to go and perform. I was so insecure, and nervous, I was very unnatural at the whole musician side of life. I was a great helper to dad. I loved working outside, I had a great work ethic, I knew I could be a great dental assistant...I truly could’ve been anything I wanted to be...except a musician. Being a musician is like a whole other world. For the most part, creative people and musicians are very Type B (and this is just my observation). Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to label anyone and I know there are a great many variations...but for the most part, musicians are creative, laid back and feel things deeply. Everything I wasn’t. I was Type A, I loved schedules, work, lists and a lot of things to accomplish throughout my day. Not practicing music, trying to be creative, waiting for the next performance...I wanted order and I wanted schedules because I wanted to plan out my life. This wouldn’t have been the job I picked if I was offered a million dollars.
My point is this...being a musician is not the profession I chose...but it is what God chose for my life. I don’t know if you have ever experienced this, but when you have been called by God to do a job...you can't quit that calling no matter how hard you try. And let me tell you...I tried in every possible way to escape being a musician. And you are just gonna have to wait for next week to see the extreme ways I tried to escape... being a musician.
~ Natalie