I Am A Preacher

Well hey everyone! It has been a good few months since I last wrote a blog! It has been super busy around here. We have so many exciting things right around the corner that we will be announcing and we have sooooo much that we have been working on … which leaves very little time for blogging. But I am very thankful for this busy season of life! 

Today I wanted to talk about a recent storm of depression I went through and how the phrase “I am a preacher” helped snap me out of my depression and get my eyes off myself. 

Recently I went through a season of depression that was pretty dark and unexpected. It kinda came in like a summer thunderstorm. You know those storms that come from out of the blue … literally! Those storms where it is a beautiful day and then you turn around and all the sudden this wall of black clouds consumes the sky you're standing under. But as fast as they roll in is as quick as they leave … you know those storms I’m talking about? Yeah, so that’s about how this storm of depression was. As quick as it came was as quick as it left. 

But just because it was quick didn’t mean it was a light storm. It was a dark couple of months and there were some times I went to food to help cope and numb the emptiness and darkness I felt. This depression was so dark and unexpected - it brought me back to how I felt back in 2019. 

Side Note: Because I am further along on my road to everlasting recovery then I was back in 2019 it’s neat because the way I went to food wasn’t as extreme as when I was deep in depression back in 2019. You see, God has shown me so much and has helped me tremendously that even though I was in the pit of despair, my reactions to this recent depression was not as severe. So when I say I binged or went to food - it wasn’t nearly as much as if I had back in 2019. So I have to look and see the victory there! That is the Lord and that is Him at work in me and that is something to rejoice in!! And you know what else? This storm of depression won’t be the last one. There will come other storms because that’s just life. There’s no way of getting around it. There will always be seasons of that throughout our life. But as we go through them hopefully as we get further and further along on our road to recovery we will more and more go to the Lord instead of our coping mechanisms. Just like this storm of depression … I wasn’t perfect and I had my mess ups, but my reactions were better because God is working in me and teaching me so much on this road to recovery! 

Ok, back to the thunderstorm. There were a couple days where I truly didn’t think I could get up and get through it. One day in particular I wept, curled up on my floor knowing I couldn’t fight through this and get through this kind of depression … and I was right ... I couldn't. I knew only God could get me out of this. (And don’t worry … He did!)

But! As desperate and despairing as I was, I knew He was using my time in this depression to teach me more about Himself. I stayed in it for a while but when the Lord started clearing the dark clouds of depression, He used this phrase “I am a preacher” to snap me out of it. You may be confused by that phrase but hopefully by the time I’m done you won’t be.

See, I was listening to an old preacher Jay Vernon McGee. (We listen to him all the time and you can too! I highly recommend listening to him and downloading his app, “Thru the Bible” it is life changing!) He was talking about how we are all preachers and that the way we live preaches who we are. No matter who we are, we have someone who watches what we do … be it a friend, co-worker, relative or anyone who sees you as you go about your day. There is always someone who is watching how you live. You preach who you are by the way you live.
Did you get that? Read this one more time and let the significance of this statement really sink in … you preach who you are by the way you live. 

That stung because even though I wasn’t leaving my house much and even though I was depressed, hurting and trying to live … the fact that “I am a preacher” didn’t change. I have a family that I interact with every day, I have followers on social media and even the few times I had to go out … I was still interacting with people. The way I live matters. I am a preacher and the way I live matters because my life, who I am, is going out and it’s being watched … even if it is just one person.

It made me start looking at my life and seeing that every choice I make does matter even though I was sitting in my house 97% of the time. But it matters to my family who watches me, it matters to everyone who knows me … it matters.

So a quick shoutout to all of us who have struggled or are struggling with an eating disorder (or just food in general), that simple statement takes our right away to eating whatever we want. 

Hearing that phrase helped get my eyes off myself and see that there were some practical things I needed to start doing and caring about because I have a choice and either way my life is going to preach who I am and what kind of person I want to be … which led me to this question. What kind of person do I want to be? 

That’s a deep question. But I do want to be someone who glorifies the Lord by how I live. I don't do it perfectly by any means and there are times where I don’t even want to glorify Him, if I’m being honest. But going through that storm of depression God made it very clear that life isn’t worth living if He isn’t everything. I knew that statement to be true … He just made it even more clear to me just how much He wants to be my everything.

This storm of depression made me second guess if every choice I had made from being a Christian, to being a musician, to choosing recovery all those years ago was all a mistake. I am telling you I felt like my life had been turned upside down during this time. But I can honestly say that Jesus Christ is worth losing your life and surrendering everything you think you want to hold onto … to Him. I can honestly say that God and my relationship with Him is the only thing that matters in life. I don’t say that lightly because when He wants me to walk down a road filled with pain and a lot of stripping of “self” … I question if it’s worth it. 

But it is. I may not feel like it is all the time but it is worth it. Life is not worth living if I try to write my own story or live the way I want. It doesn't benefit anyone. And if I have any say in how I should live my life, it only breeds discontentment, bondage, anger, fear … and so much more. But surrendering and living the life God wants me to live always leads to freedom, joy, peace, love and so much more. 

So living the life Jesus wants me to live … that is worth fighting for. And it gets back to the fact that we preach by how we live. Choosing to live my way will certainly preach a message to others. It would show misery, anger, fear and an out-of-control lifestyle. But living the life God wants me to live displays Him which is better for everyone involved! 

So then, if I am a preacher … so are you. You are a preacher and your life matters. The choice you make when no one sees you … it matters. Not only to the Lord but everyone who knows you and sees you. 

That’s the humbling thing about eating disorders. It shows up on the outward appearance depending on the choice you make. It can make fighting eating disorders in particular the most humbling disorder. And plus, we can't just never have food again … we have to eat at least three times a day. It’s so exhausting and it's humbling … but! it also is a blessing because it does show up on the outward appearance. It keeps us accountable and you know what, that’s a good thing! 

People who struggle with addiction to alcohol, drugs, pornography, money … whatever it is you struggle with, it may not be something that shows up on the outside as physically as an eating disorder does but if you give into the addiction long enough … it always shows up. It may not show up so obviously … but it does show up. So as hard as it is to have our disorder out for all to see and for others to keep tabs on, it also is a blessing in disguise.

With that being said … it matters how you live your life. You only have one life and whether you like it or not … you're a preacher and you preach who you are by how you live. So, what are you going to preach?

~ Natalie