Numbers + Worth = Never Good Enough

Numbers are a part of everyday life, they are essential to how we live. We use them to tell time and track what day it is, we use them to measure all kinds of things like miles, food, chemical formulas etc... we use them as a way of keeping track of chapters, we all have a sequence of numbers that’s our phone number, address and social security, we use it to rank people as winner or loser, we use them to count how many followers we have. There are countless other ways we use numbers every day! You are probably wondering what in the world are you getting at Natalie?

Let me explain, numbers are a thing for me. I can remember them really well. I had a friend tell me her old cell phone number ten years ago ... and I still remember it. I like to memorize my parents' credit cards and other people's phone numbers. I live by my watch. I keep track of the time and dates, I memorize how long it takes us to get somewhere. I see how long it takes us to get to a place 300 miles away and watch the clock and study the timing of things for the next trip we take. I am always calculating time with whatever in life. Numbers are just something that I like to mess with in my brain. So I have a thing for numbers ... I can remember them well, they stick in my brain like a magnet. You may be thinking, “Ok, that’s a good thing ... why are you going on and on about what you can do with numbers?” Here’s why. 

It may sound cool or nice that numbers are easy for me or whatever they are for me, but I am telling you this because this is not a good thing when you struggle with an eating disorder. Because numbers are also a way to track weight and calories ... and it’s all about calculating. Yep. Those two things would lodge into my brain every time I weighed myself or when I went to go get food ... I always checked the calories. 

Not only did weight and calories get stuck in my brain but another form of numbers really affected me. Instagram followers and likes on social media. I am (almost) obsessed with finding out and knowing how many followers people have. Or knowing who’s post has more likes ... it all boils down to the number. 

Now, in and of itself, numbers aren’t a bad thing. It’s great that we have numbers to measure weight, calories, winner or loser, followers on social media ... by itself that is not a bad thing. But! I have come to realize that what is bad ... is when the equation is wrong. 

See in my mind, Numbers + Worth = Never good enough. That is the wrong equation and yet the equation I lived with inside my brain for a very long time. The only equation numbers need to be in is for the sole purpose of doing arithmetic for whatever reason you need to be doing arithmetic. 

I was always adding numbers with my worth and I was never enough. With the way I was viewing things, it didn’t matter if I had 5.8 million followers on Instagram because Taylor Swift over here has 140 Million followers. If I (for some odd reason) somehow got 141 Million followers ... that wouldn’t be good enough because Selena Gomez has 195 Million followers ... and it could go on and on and on it would never be good enough. 

Same with my weight. I don’t want to mention my weight number here, just so I don’t get it stuck in someone else’s head that may be struggling with this, but when I was at my lowest weight ... I remember thinking it wasn’t good enough because other people had gotten to a lower weight number than me. I didn’t win, I failed ... I wasn’t enough. I remember trying to get to my lowest weight possible before entering the treatment center because that was somehow an accomplishment worth achieving.

Calories, same thing. Why eat this granola bar when this other granola bar has fewer calories? If I ever had to eat dessert I might internally really want the ice cream but this tapioca pudding had fewer calories and less fat so I could never allow myself the ice cream and always the pudding ... or the healthiest option available. I never could allow myself to eat the most calories because that was bad and it would mean that I would gain more weight which led to the number on the scale to rise and I would have failed. Never good enough ... again.

Numbers are powerful, if they weren't we wouldn't use them for so much in life. But we do and they really can affect one’s life if we use them in the wrong equation in our life.

Numbers do not show a person’s worth, it doesn’t define who you are. I started really asking myself, with the followers on instagram, “Do numbers really give more worth to a person?” “Does it mean these people that have thousands and millions of followers on instagram have more worth because they have so many followers?” The answer is NO! It doesn't. They are just people like you and me. Followers gained do not equal more worth. 

For the calories, I had to almost “make” myself have amnesia with calories. I had to purposely stop remembering the numbers of calories to things and eat food in a way that is filled with balance and moderation and eat what I wanted to eat no matter how many calories it had. Some numbers I never could forget, but I had to challenge my mind and ask myself, “Does the calories of this food really equal my worth as a human being?” “Am I eating in a way that is healthy ... meaning eating stuff I want to eat and stuff I enjoy eating?” “Do calories define who I am?” “Are fewer calories a sign of doing good and more calories a sign of being bad?” No! Not at all ... but I had to start challenging those thoughts that plagued my mind when I would remember certain calories.

Same goes with my weight. My weight number does not define my worth. It never has and never will. Trying to get to be the smallest is sick and it’s all a part of the twisted game Satan plays with us when we struggle with eating disorders. Same as when I was struggling with bulimia. I was over my healthy weight and that would mess me up so much when I saw how much I weighed. Now, I am technically not at my *healthy* weight number ... but I am happy and I have found a balance that I can maintain and live with and be very happy with! I can even know my weight number and it doesn't phase me a bit! 

There was a lot of re-working of the mind, taking numbers and worth out of the equation, challenging thoughts and following through with the twisted logic I had in my brain to get to the end and see what the truth really is ... and the truth is ... numbers don’t define my worth. Period! 

So those of you who struggle with numbers like I did, start challenging your thought process, tell yourself the true facts and don’t listen to the lies. Comment down below some of the areas that you struggle with or even used to struggle with. I want to encourage you to get numbers out of the equation ... they don’t define your worth. 

Remember, Numbers + Worth = Never good enough ... so take numbers out, you are worthy, you are enough, you are absolutely perfect just as you are! Have a wonderful week!!

~ Natalie